Fanfic You! (and Other Curses)

What is Fanfic?

A Power Ranger

Power Ranger, Fanfic Style

For those of you not "in the know," or at least in the A/V club, fanfic is short for "fantastically shitty fiction" typically ripping off somebody else's characters and/or story. To illustrate this, imagine, if you will, that you greatly admired the Power Rangers. At right is an artist's conception of what an actual Power Ranger might look like, if he were reaching to switch off his webcam¹. Below that is the same Power Ranger, drawn fanfic style -- that is, with almost no skill, and total disregard for the subject matter.

If you're already familiar with fanfic, then you've probably either (a) written some yourself, and are terribly embarrassed about it², or (b) trying to find out whether the existence of fanfic proves conclusively that there is no god.

Amazingly enough, fanfic can be put to good use. Consider the following fanfic excerpt:

"He hadn't believed them. Any move against him would bring the wrath of Sonny and Jason. But their power was waning. It was Lucy's idea to get him to leave again; to go back to Canada or leave for Europe until it was safe. And that was five years ago. The danger still continued."

This is what is known as "feel good" writing, because it makes you feel good that you're not that bad of a writer. You can't possibly be that bad of a writer. The instructions for your last income tax return were more readable and compelling, and they were written by bureaucrats paid specifically to make your life a living hell.

But I digress.

I'd mention that fanfic writers usually lack the originality and creativity to create anything of their own, except for two reasons: First, it's freaking obvious. Second, it's also obvious that these people just might be psychotic enough not to take such criticism without stalking the critics³ ... so let's move on.

Fanfic Topics

Small Wonder fan art (devil horns added to enhance effect)

There's really nothing too sacred (or stupid) that it isn't abused by fanfic. Fanfic exists for things that were never cool, and never will be⁴, like Buffy The Vampire Slayer, WWF Wrestling, and even Small Wonder, which is possibly the stupidest show ever created -- it's remarkable that it even has fans, much less people who actually give this show a second thought. While it's obvious that WWF fanfic isn't going to attract many brain surgeons, even good things attract bad fans, like The Straight Dope, which has a "fanzine" called Teemings. It's pretty loosely related (there's poetry in it) but contains the essential elements of "fan" and "suck."

In other words, almost anything you can possibly take a liking to is probably also worshipped by freakish losers who write stuff that looks like porn scripts from the 70's. Even more horribly, fanfic can be used to combine the interests of the author. For hellish examples, how about Scooby Doo and Guns and Roses? Or, what the hell, just combine everything you've ever seen into a self-serving vortex of evil. Heck, this is the Internet. How about Roy Orbison wrapped in clingfilm?

Let's say you're hell bent on writing fanfic, possibly as some kind of twisted revenge for your English teacher. To select a topic: watch a show, read a book, or hell, even a comic book. Then think to yourself, "what if that character was stripped of all personality, and placed into a small story where he or she worships me and nothing else particularly interesting happens?" You're definitely on the right track.

Lest fanfic look easy, I should point out that it's intensely difficult to do if you have an imagination or can tell a story, because you're unlikely to want to take a few of somebody else's well-defined characters and just clumsily push them around in your narrative. Let's practice:

Enraged, Barbie shook her fist in Ken's face, "how dare you lie to me!"

Wrong! All wrong. It borders on interesting. Let's try that again. This time, imagine the neighbor kid is telling you this story to fill the awkward pauses that inevitably arise when you share a jail cell:

Barbie walked over to Ken until she was about a foot or so from him. "I am mad at you," she said. She had been gesturing when she said that because she was mad about something that Ken did.

Much better. Blither on for twenty or so pages. Try to work in every tired plot device that ever made you cringe, such as amnesia, long-lost siblings, "you go on without me," and whatnot. Consider copying scenes you like wholesale, but think, what if something were slightly different ... like they were all wearing hats? Be careful not to discard anything, no matter how stupid it seems. When you're done, write another story ABOUT the story you just wrote, and use that one.

Now, hint to people about the story you're "developing." Unless they punch you right in the face, send them a copy. Then make a minor revision, and send it to them again. Ask which version is better, and repeat this until they are well-practiced at avoiding you. If they still feel compelled to hang around, start using the phrase, "you know what would be better?" in every possible situation, for example: "you know what would be better? If we were on Star Trek and they had all the comic books ever written. That would be awesome." If they still hang around, then they've probably already asked you to comment on their fanfic.

Remember, fanfic is written by people who constantly ask, "what if?" Not questions like, "what if we could exceed the speed of light," but more like "what if I were Luke Skywalker? I'd never get my hand cut off, that's for sure, and when Darth Vader told me he was my dad, I'd be cool with it and I'd be like zzhwow zzhwow vthktk with my light saber and I'd marry that chick with the six breasts and we would rule the galaxy and I would sample nachos from every world."

Letting Go

In addition to being a mutant form of literary expression, fanfic is also for those who refuse to leave the universe their favorite characters inhabit when the book ends or the credits roll. Or, better, feel the need to interact with those characters through the magic of literature. If you're going to live vicariously, it helps to be completely shameless:

"Me:     Well, Ripley, I'm glad I was able to save you from those aliens without breaking a sweat."
Ripley:  It's like you have super powers! You're so smart and strong. I'd insist we have sex right now, but I know you have other planets to save."
Me:      Up, up, and away!"⁵

By now, you're probably aching to read more fanfic -- or possibly your spleen has ruptured. Assuming the former, there are a few terms you should be aware of before braving the snake pit that is the Internet. First, and most important:

slash, n. fanfic that is intended to be erotic, and (more rarely) violent. Usually about as erotic as listening to your parents describe sex. With muffins.

There are about as many types of slash as there are porn, but it's written by people who generally don't have access to the actual porn or naked people, so it generally suffers from inaccuracy. So don't actually attempt anything you read in slash until checking with your doctor to see if it will tear something you might need later. On a positive note, the logistics of Josie and the Pussycats having sex with the A Team make it impossible to capture on film (Hannibal has died) so you'll have to settle for the story.

Second, there's fanfic that's so bad that even people who routinely read/write⁶ fanfic won't read it, including the people who wrote it:

mary sue, n. fanfic or an author of fanfic who writes stories about themselves (or... "somebody else" ... yeah, right) who can do absolutely no wrong, is worshipped by everybody, is the best at everything

Mary Sues are a big psychological window into the insecurities of a person who is weird, at best, and has time on their hands. It is a window you do not want to open. You know that scene in the movie where everybody thinks, "don't go in there!" This is your chance to not die stupidly. A few years from now, when you're still alive, you know who to thank.